It's not a laughing matter, but I thought is was funny.

I’ve been binge watching "Never have I ever", the strange and silly ways we navigate our sex life’s after tragedy.

Personally, "Never have I ever", is a hard game for me to play, because there is so little that I haven't done. I started engaging sexually pretty early on and I am a curious person who has allowed myself space to discover my sexual joy because I understood such agony around sexuality.

I have wondered and worried about the why behind what I am in to.

I am a survivor of incest.

I felt you just cringe a little and I get it, sexual abuse is messed up and child sexual abuse that is really messed up, but then you say incest and it's like "oh that is some fucked up shit right there". 

Indeed it is, and possibly more fucked up is that I have turned a point in my processing that I think it is funny, in a very dark way.

I remember turning off Sarah Silverman, she triggered the hell out of me talking so boldly and unapologetically about sexual trauma.

What is it that shifts for us to find humor in pain? 

Pete Davidson hits my dark funny bone, his joke about his mom getting him a pool with the money they got from his father getting killed in 9/11. I don’t know who the joke is on when he says the punchline, “I filled the pool with tears”.

After 30 years of therapy that lead me to finally uncover the source of my nightmares, I unraveled 3 generations of abuse, crowned with the "great reveal", which is my Dad was having an affair with my Mom’s male cousin (who lived upstairs from us), they would have sex in front of me and they started molesting me at a pre-verbal stage around 9-18 months.  

When I went on my podcast and told the story, my entire family stopped speaking to me.  

So yea, now I get the joke. 

It is the ultimate irony that a person who is supposed to love and care for me would do the unspeakable, because things that happened to him that he wouldn’t speak about, leading to my family to never speak about it and then not speaking to me when the truth was told.

Totally absurd and ridiculous! Truly art and life in its divine comedy and tragedy.

Why not talk about it? Is it that we know it can't get any worse?

Is it that we hope that if we can laugh about it, it means that maybe we didn't just survived it, but that it might actually get better or at least get lighter in perspective? 

I watched the "Joker" with Joaquin Phoenix shortly after this realization and felt this deep connection to an energy or entity of sorts that I had seen before, on a DMT trip.  It was a sort of "Jack-in-the-Box", I would wind up and laugh and the laugh went from happy to distorted, almost maniacal, to sad tears and then pleasure ecstasy, then back again to the giggles. 

It is the cycle of life, of joy, pain, shame and power. The rise, the fall, the decay and the play. 

I have come to understand that I can carry the wisdom of my body and sensory response to enjoy my sexual explorations without the wound haunting me.

My partners have always told me I give the best head they ever had and I say "well, you should thank my Dad".